I went most of my life not knowing what Aphantasia was or that I have it. It's a "blind mind's eye", which means I cannot visualize things. When I close my eyes, it's blank.
There's a famous apple test: close your eyes and think of an apple. Can you see it? How clear is it? What color is it? Can you turn it in space?
It's wild to me that some people can fully see the apple in their mind. I see absolutely nothing.
It's all I've ever known so I don't know any different, but man, the thought of being able to see images in my mind would be so convenient. I can imagine things, I can have ideas, there's just no visual component. It's hard to describe something like that. For example, I can imagine things better with my eyes open..staring off in to space.
A lot of people are surprised to hear that a visual artist would have aphantasia, but I think that is the whole reason I became an artist in the first place. It allowed me a place to test out my ideas. When I start to paint, it creates a feedback loop and I bounce back and forth. It was like bringing ideas to life that I had vague impressions of but no idea what they looked like, and it was the most magical thing in the world to me to do that.
So to help me, I photograph everything for reference. I study everything that interests me, from all angles. I research visually and philosophically.
When I understand something I can paint it better, and when I paint something, I understand it better. The things you notice when you draw or paint something is amazing, things you would never see otherwise.
Not being able to visualize hasn't hindered me, and if it did I wouldn't know anyway. It's why I sketch, it's why I doodle. In some ways it may be a blessing because I don't usually get caught in the trap of having an idea in my head and becoming frustrated when it doesn't turn out like you imagined. Of course I still get frustrated..often. Painting is difficult no matter what, but it's also the simplest thing in the world when I get out of my own way.
When I was little, I used to draw little fairies and wizards, because that's what I wanted to be. And in high school, when I fell in love with the movie Amelie, I wanted her haircut so badly. I became obsessed with the idea and would draw my little character with the haircut all the time until I finally cut my hair like hers. When I wanted tattoos, I started drawing them on my paintings back in 2010 (some of you may remember..I'll put in a photo if I can find one).
So this brings me to AVATARS!
I really like the word "avatar" for this because it can mean two things, divinity or a character that represents the player.
While the origins of me starting to paint was this vicarious-living-self-exploration thing, this collection is me embracing that in a different way where I'm showing more of my real life and having full creative control over so many elements beforehand. I usually rely a lot on just winging it or figuring it out as I go along but being able to plan things out beforehand, and seeing how things ended up was super fun.
xoxoxo